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Sunday, 10 May 2009

  • Not going to say 'Thank You'

                 I cant grind this down to one event. Not anymore. Too much of it seems to mix and stick together, I cant even be sure I have the ages right. When I was very young my parents were kicked out of their apartment and we went to live with my dads parents. We still live there today. She was loud and crude; and she laughed at me in ways that seemed both cruel and comical. And Im the only one who gets to see this side of her, still. We fight and snarl and curse, circling, looking for weakness. She takes her petty jabs at me, and I dont have the common sense to keep my mouth shut. All the while knowing, and so angry, that she has the last word. This woman can kick me out.

    Six? It started out innocuous. She told me I wasnt pretty, that I never would be, and if I wasnt smart I wouldnt go anywhere. That was a hurtful thing for a six year old. I remember crying, yelling at her and stomping away from the table. Always at the table shed start. Just one comment on top of a hundred before.  Before Id go out the door shed say something, about my hair or my clothes. Sometimes shed say something when we were out, and Id get this hunted, miserable feeling, without anywhere to hide. And Id walk around all day, trying to hide, not to be noticed, because Id already heard once what someone thought of me.

    I remember smiling, but not smiling; smirking? Leering? My eyes would slit and my lips would widen and Id just look at her, and later at anyone, and Id tell her just exactly what I thought of her. That got me yelled at a few times. But I never, ever felt guilty. Children only have so many ways they can fight back. I was a vindictive little bitch.

    Eight, nine maybe. She hit me, just once. Just that one time. I wanted to hit her back so, so badly. Id done something, said something cruel again, and shed had enough. But I couldnt hit her, she was supporting us, she could kick me out (she threatened it enough), so I cursed at her, in a low, angry voice, my little hands fisted and I hated her at that moment. I walked away from her because it was all I could do. I got yelled at later.

    Twelve, I think. Wed gone to my cousins wedding. I was quiet and fearful and I sat in a corner hiding behind my dad. “She” was across the room, talking to the throng, as always loved. None of them had to live with her. I remember a boy coming up to me, god, at least three years older. I was afraid of boys then, but he asked me to dance. Id never danced before, didnt know how. My hands were sweaty and I was nervous in my cheap cotton dress; lavender with flowers, picked out by my dad. I knew someone had asked him to ask me. He was so persistent to get me out on the dance floor. Probably my cousin; love on the brain, she hated to see anyone alone. It was fun. I never knew his name. It was a good feeling, for once for someone to pay attention to me. I was grateful to that boy, no matter what reason he did it. A few weeks later we got pictures in the mail, and I wanted to know who the boy was; there were pictures of everyone whod been there, and I kept asking. For a while my grandmother ignored me, before finally she yelled, she told me it wasnt about me, that it was my cousins wedding, that I should be quiet. As though I made a point to make things about me. That hurt more I think, to someone who went out of their way to never be noticed. I went quiet.

    Seven; definitely. I remember I went into her jewelry box. I didnt want anything expensive; it wasnt about that, and I didnt want anything that would hurt her too much to lose. I wanted to prove I could do it, that I could do something to get back at her without someone telling me no, without anyone telling me to sit quietly Dammit, and take what she gives you. I took one earring. It was probably once very pretty, but now it was broken. There wasnt a matching one in sight. I took it. A week later I took a pin, and the week after that a broken necklace. Eventually she noticed and asked me if I was taking things from her. I was good at lying. But I wasnt a thief; and I hate being dishonest. I started leaving things in her room; under the bed, below the dresser, as though shed lost them instead. It didnt make me feel much better to know even if I hated her, I wasnt so bad a person that I could do it without feeling guilty.

    When nanny hit 65 she was diagnosed with diabetes. Too many extra snacks at night she told us. By 75 shed had most of both feel cut off. All her toes and about half of each foot. She walks with special shoes and a cane. Shes easily tired now, but still thoughtlessly cruel. She forgets things, and shes nearly childlike in her selfish demanding. Kindve ironic she once accused me of the same. She can walk now, but not for long since she refuses to do so even for the shortest of steps. She goes out to socialize; and everyone still loves her, they all think shes a dear sweet woman.

    I am 20 years old Im a little cynical and Im not at all a nice person. But I am a good person; Im honest, and I dont hesitate to let people know what I think, but I dont see the point in hurting other people needlessly. I resent my grandmother, Im annoyed, exasperated, but I make sure and ask her each day if shes had lunch, I drive her to her social dos, and I make her coffee each morning. We still snipe, I refuse to eat her cooking and she still tells me I look like a refugee going out the door.

    I think Ive won though. Age has nearly defeated her. She still tells me Im selfish when I try and make her get her own coffee, or when I refuse to help her try to impress people with her useless little domestic things. I recognize that Ive purposefully hurt her at times, and I recognize that Ive done wrong. I know Im not perfect, but the thing is that she cant say the same. Shes old and stuck in her ways; anyone who does anything different is wrong, and she still likes to strut around as though shes mistress of her domain. Shes about a foot taller than me, and every day I get up to say hello to that old woman, not yet totally senile. I smile at her and get her coffee, I give her kisses when she asks for them.

    I dont know if I love this woman whos been a large part of making me hate myself for most of my life. I pity her, because most of the problems she has now are of her own making, and even now she cant recognize that. And I cant say for sure if Im grateful for her taking us in when we needed it. I dont believe I owe her respect, not one single ounce; but I give it nonetheless, because I dont see the point in upsetting this old woman, and I do care for her despite it all. Maybe because of it; If I wasnt the cynical, insecure, dry bitch I am today, who would I be?

    But Im not going to say thank you.

     

Wednesday, 07 January 2009

  • Gaza

    According to a friend in Yemen as of January 7th 626 people are dead. 215 of them were children, 98 women. Nearly 3,ooo injured.

    According to MSNBC Supply trucks are being delayed at the border. Yesterday a school in Gaza was bombed killing 50. That was after the UN gave the Israeli's the GPS coordinates for all schools and shelters in the area. Israel claimed they destoryed two targets in the school bombing. Gaza is reporting that all casualties were civillian.

     

Thursday, 01 January 2009

  • Boobies?

    Maybe you’ve heard about facebook’s new (COUGHCOUGH) debate; a young mother’s picture was deleted from her account by admin’s after being tagged as sexually explicit/adult content. There was a nurse-in and all sorts of various different protests that I don’t care to go into.

     

    Now on one particular website I saw an interesting comment on how as a society we shouldn’t be afraid of showing women’s breasts. I think that’s a wonderful idea. As a society, in America in particular we’re pretty prudish when it comes to the publish sphere; we can find every single kink and fetish under sun behind closed doors, through no label packaging and anonymous billing but the television still can’t say the word cunt.

     

     

     

    I rather like boobs, and I like the idea for our society to be okay with showing them. However a word of caution, and by no means do I intend disrespect; while I don’t have any problem with seeing your breasts or your brat sucking on them, I am not going to be watching you because it’s a beautiful and miraculous sight, and it is not going to fill me with wonder at the sight of a mother and child. Simply put, Nipples, on men and women, are sexual characteristics.

     

    So please, feel free to leave the blanky off and coo at that sweet baby, however not everyone is going to be seeing that particular act as quite so…PG.

     

    Christian Aguilera as shown on Ellen Degeneres following the birth of her son.

     

    I don’t think Breast feeding is or should be the main issue though. We’ve seen it in the middle east where women are made to cover up so much many of them die because their doctors aren’t allowed to give them vaginal or breast exams. A more open society is by no means a bad thing. And I don’t think a few tit shots are going to traumatize anyone, least of all a kid if the reports are true and all the mommies really are going natural.

     

     

    First lady Laura Bush speaking in the Middle East about Breast

    Cancer awareness, Self diagnosis and genital-related taboos.

     

    We’ve made sex and sex characteristics taboo in normal conversation outside the bedroom, and so we’ve seen a rise in what could nearly be described as counterculture; softcore porn on MTV. And besides the fact that these displays utterly lack taste, they really are killing our music industry.

     

    So free your Nipples in the name of lunchtime, of OBGYN’s “practicing their love”, in the name of VH1, in the name of spring breakers everywhere. Or at the very least get the damn FCC wedged out from between then (they do need aired out every once in a while).

Monday, 29 December 2008

  • While we're declaring war on factions, we're Launching attacks on Nations

    The US declared a War on Terrorism and then attacked two separate nations, and launched an ad campaign against several others. We called them evil and backward, we demonized them and made their citizens into victims many of them never claimed to be. While we claimed to save women and children we were blowing them into bits, and when that excuse stopped holding up we said we were protecting out own from insurgents. Insurgents who were born to that country, that died in that country, and many of which were concinced they were protecting their mothers, sisters and daughters.

    On Saturday Israel declared an all out war on Hamas. And then proceeded to pummel Gaza; it's citizens, it's schools, and it's Mosques. Aerial Bombs, in preparation for a ground assault. Because it was necessary, because they had to kill the bad guys, because they were defending themselves, because apparently it's okay to kill people if you happen to be aiming next door.

    Did we start this? Did the US make this happen? Not the conflict. That's been happening for decades, longer. The US had adopted a policy of baby sitting. We protect Israel whatever the cost, whatever the circumstances, and we keep holding on while they cling to us all the while claiming superiority, threatening violence on anyone who might look at them cross eyed.

    What is the hope of this new 'War'? There can't be a winner. And it seems as though everyone is dying, killing. The Middle East is a more perfect example than ever; Peace is never a result of War.

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Tuesday, 16 December 2008

  • If you could put any three laws into effect, what would they be and why?

    1. English required for Citizenship. If you want to live here, Please learn the language. The government as it is has to pay extra for services in every federal agency to accomodate non-english langauge learners. We pay extra so that translators are hired and extra froms are available in every lanaguage required. it's inconvenient and it doesn't make sense. I believe as a requirement for citizenship people should at the very least be given a course in basic dialogue; they don't have to be fluent but they should understand the words coming out of our mouths. Street signs, basic terminology on forms, how ask and understand simple directions. English is not a hard language, we even have less conjugations than most of the others.

    2. Set a Cap on college costs. Yes, yes, free market blah blah blah. Most of what we pay for in college is the name of the college; the prestige. Most of these college board members make several thousand dollars a year more than other people and yet they turn out grads with BA degrees with limited chance of being hired. My English 102 class and my History of the US class WAS NOT WORTH 10,000 dollars-- and that's after my education grant for another 10. The government should not have to be sending out grants like it's going out of style; if most of the US can't afford to go to college that's TELLING YOU SOMETHING GODDAMNIT.

    3. Mattew Shepard Act. 1998 Mattew Shepard was killed in Colorado because he was gay. He was tied to a fence, beaten, tortured and robbed and then left for dead. He was a sophomore in college. The Current US hate crimes law does not include sexual orientation as a basis of a hate crime because many view this as a breach of civil rights. In other words people believe that they are justified in committing crimes against LGBT persons because of their sexual orientation. In 2007 this law failed to pass. 

       

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FreakSaphhic

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About Me

  • Liberal. Sister. Political Independent. Writer. ShepU student. Community college layabout. Daughter. Short. Fanfic addict. Spiritual. Lesbian/Asexual. Slash Advocate. Soft Spoken. Opinionated. Perverse. Bibliophile. Empathetic. INFJ. Dragon. Scorpio. Pagan. Slight Agoraphobe. Dubbed by Carrie the Queen of Sarcasm. Rock fan (music, not the man).

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